I see you, my friend

I have a confession to make.  Are you sitting down?  Great.  I’ve actually been having fantasies about taking my ex-husband back.  Not that he’s been pounding down my door and asking me to, mind you, but so much has transpired over the past few months that I find myself in a strange position when thinking about him.  In case you’re new to the game, here’s a little backstory: We were married for nearly 10 years.  We divorced because he laid his hands on me one night – and not in the sexual sense either.  From that moment on, I hadn’t quite been able to see him in the same light as I did back in the early years of our relationship, which I’m sure you’ll all agree is understandable.

Things are different now.  He remarried not long after our divorce and from what I could tell at the time, they seemed to be perfect for one another.  Same interests, mannerisms, etc.  But I’m quickly learning that there’s a lot of trouble in paradise, particularly with her temper.  I find out from my girls, and from him, that she drinks heavily and then gets belligerent with all of them.  You’ll be glad to know that I have since taken my daughters out of any situation that might involve her, and he agreed on this arrangement, after giving her one last chance to get it together, of course.  (I’m a sucker for that whole benefit of the doubt thing.)

So, I get a call from him on Sunday, an hour before we are supposed to meet for me to get the girls.  Supposedly she went off again and he was “taking them out of the situation” and bringing them to me early.  I have to admit that in that moment, he reminded me of the man I married many years before.  Something kind of woke up in me.  Has he changed? Is he in a better place? It’s the first time I’ve EVER given a second (or even a first) thought to the potential for things to work with us.

From what I hear from the girls, this woman is just plain mean… to all of them.  And he has shared as much with me as well.  So, where does that put me? Feeling really awful for him.  And what happens when I start to feel awful for a person?  I want to reach out and help.  I’ve actually considered offering him a place to stay if things get too bad at home.  I’ve even fantasized about that happening and things just working out between us again.  That we’d learned from our mistakes and grown up a bit.  I know the girls would be thrilled at such a reality… like a fucking dream come true for them.

But once again, I’m creating a reality in my head that’s far from attainable… at least now… in this moment.  But I can’t help but wonder if he feels the same way.  And if we could ever really make it work again.

(Title from “Crazy” by Seal)

Validate Me

Validation.

Why do we seek it? More importantly, why do we so desperately need it from certain people and not others? I had an interesting exchange with a male friend of mine earlier about the “just friends” status, particularly how it would be nice for just one of those “friends” to show some interest beyond that boundary. The ironic side to this is the fact that I happen to be one of those friends to him. He has respectfully pursued me and I have respectfully declined and yet we continue to be friends. He admitted to me the other night that I was the first person he had really gotten up enough nerve to actually ask out on a date. I admitted to him that knowing this made me feel like such an asshole by virtue of the fact that I told him I wasn’t interested in a “date”. But then he said something that gave me pause. He said, “you weren’t an asshole, you were honest.” He reminded me that I didn’t string him along or give him some bullshit excuse every time he asked me out. I was matter of fact, to the point, not interested in being romantically involved with him. Sure, I’m guessing this was hard for him to swallow, and probably continues to be as we venture through friendly territory. But nothing good ever came from beating around the bush, or leading a person on, or god forbid just plain ignoring the invitation.

So when he tells me how nice it would be to just feel validated, I’m taken aback. I consider where he’s coming from and where I’ve been. I think to the actions I’ve been taking with certain people lately and realize that I, too, have been seeking the same kind of validation. In fact, I’ve always been in this position in one way or another. Whether it was by seeking the approval of my mother, or the mad props from my brother, or the hint of desire from that unattainable man, this need for validation is always sought from the wrong source. It’s a boring cliche, but the real validation needs to come from within.

I know for a fact that the moment I realized my own worth, the prospects began to arrive. But it doesn’t just end there. You have to know your worth enough to know when something is right or wrong for you. You have to spend enough time with yourself alone to know what is sustainable with another person. Now, I haven’t given up on any of my prospects. I’m still cleaning house, as it were. Getting things in order so that when that time does come, I won’t be settling for something that just won’t work (i.e. the sources of my current misguided desire for validation).

I like the fact that I have male friends like the one I mentioned above. He is one of a few close enough to call me up when he knows I need an ear. He is real. He is potential. I say this as a reminder to all the men out there who have nothing but “friends” in women. That’s not such a bad place to be when you get right down to it. For in the end, it’s usually the best of friends who end up together.

All I can say is, just breathe. Enjoy what you have in those around you. And above all, find your own worth. It will astound you, along with all that comes when you do.

Quieting that Voice

Originally published on October 2, 2011

It’s been just over a month since I sat down to write.  So why now? Why here?  One word: Hummingbirds.  In the few months since I started writing on the beautiful deck on which I now sit, one of the things that made the experience so peaceful and inviting was the presence of a huge number of hummingbirds that would surround my feeder at regular intervals throughout the day.  Their sounds did something to my level of peace – my ability to feel a bit more connected to all that surrounded me.  Beneficial in that most of my time has been spent pouring through my writings of the past 10 years and coming to find that delicate side of me.  I’m the sort of person who needs to know the “why” in order to work things out… to learn… to grow.  Their consistent humming – their presence – aided me in that process.  It helped to prevent me from getting lost in my own thoughts when going through what could have been a really painful process.

But another thing happened during that process.  I began to realize why that delicate side of me exists in the first place. I began to respond to certain people – people who required more out of me than I could give – with honesty and without guilt.  I began to take care of myself first.  I had one of those striking moments on the drive back from dropping the girls off.  Yes – it always seems to come on that drive…strength or weakness…my choice.  I called a man back who had been desperately trying to get in touch with me, and my intention was to give him a little lesson in patience.  Me…teaching patience? Can that really be?  I explained to him that I am in no position to give him what he wants from me… namely constantly being in touch via phone, email, text, you name it.  He was incredibly appreciative of my honesty – and I felt strong in sharing.

The thing is, I saw myself in him.  Endless years of needing validation from romantic interests.  Trying desperately for any sort of contact, then beating myself up when it didn’t come.  Making the other person “at fault” then pushing them away before they had the chance to step up.  As of this morning I’m still receiving communication from him handing me the responsibility for us not being in contact.  Preying on my empathetic side.  But I have no desire to put aside my own interests to feed those of anyone anymore. I’m on my deck – feeding my soul. I cannot interrupt that to feed his.

Here’s where it gets interesting.  Immediately after finishing up that phone call, I returned Joshua’s call.  He was released the day before and we’d been playing phone tag ever since.  The content of the call doesn’t matter as it relates to the current subject matter.  What does matter is what happened in the moments that followed our call. I began an all-too familiar internal monologue which consisted of endless second-guessing and jabs at myself.

Did you really say you associated the Guggenheim with Washington D.C.?

Do you really think he caught the sarcasm in your voice when you called your kids ‘assholes’?

Did you once ask him about himself?

Why the fuck do you have to talk constantly?

He’s lost all hope that you’re the person he was writing to for the past 2 years.

You aren’t worthy.

Then I smiled.  And I turned up the music to drown out that voice. Because I know why it is there.   And like I said … the why is everything.  So I spent the next week finishing up the first round of editing – feeling accomplished and stronger than ever.  Knowing that this journey I’ve been on is one most people could benefit from following.  It can be done.  It just means being brave…fearless…ready. Ready for the right moment.

In the past few weeks most of the hummingbirds have migrated south in anticipation of the coming winter months.  At first their absence bothered me.  The silence that their absence left was a bit painful.  Then I smiled.  And I filled that void with other things that I love: music – plants – phone calls – company.  Silence doesn’t have to be deafening. It’s an opportunity to create something beautiful.

Just so you know, two hummingbirds stayed around: Ready. Fearless.  Brave.

On Anonymity

Can I just start by saying that receiving an email that says “Someone is now following you” made me reflect on the dichotomy that has kept me from sharing what it is I need to be sharing here? The alternative being the current watered-down version for fear of who might be reading. I’ve never been one to truly worry about being judged by random strangers. We’re talking about a woman who wrote about some pretty self-incriminating subject matter back in the day, and had no qualms about it either. But the difference then was that my readers were, for the most part, disconnected from my everyday life. And while I appreciated being able to share my writing on my personal Facebook page, I realized that that audience wasn’t entirely appropriate. Taking a cue from my favorite blogger: Narcissist’s Blog, I started my own Facebook page, then stripped away most, if not all, evidence of who I am. For those whom I’ve invited here personally? I have no problem sharing with you what I intend to share in the future – you know me. Anyone who joins the ranks outside of that circle of trust, I will include wholeheartedly.

So why all the effort to slip behind the curtains? My stories need to be read… not me. You will relate. You will find solace in knowing that you’ve been down my road. You will be entertained. You will laugh. You will cry. You will find guidance, reassurance, and the knowledge that you’ve been on both sides of the fence. You will be able to accept who you are and who you come into contact with. But knowing me? That isn’t a requirement or even a recommendation.

Just enjoy.